When Gratitude Backfires

Hello beloved Insider – it’s Miriam 👋🏻

this issue is inspired by Sonja Lyubomirsky & "The How of Happiness".

This week, I want to talk about something you might not expect: when gratitude — that golden tool of positive psychology — starts to feel... heavy.

Yes, gratitude can backfire.
Yes, you can overdo it.
And no, that doesn’t mean you’re doing life wrong.
It just means it’s time to realign the how, not abandon the why.

The Gratitude Paradox

Sonja Lyubomirsky — a voice I trust deeply in the world of well-being — shared a moment that might sound familiar:

She was journaling gratitude every single day. Dutifully. Religiously.
At first, it lifted her. But soon, it felt repetitive. Flat. Performative.
Instead of feeling grateful, she started feeling inadequate.

Why? Because like many rituals, when gratitude becomes a checkbox, it loses its magic.

In a study from her lab, participants who practiced gratitude once a week showed significant increases in happiness.

Those who did it three times a week? Not so much.

The insight is clear: more is not always better. Especially when it comes to the heart.

Ikigai Wisdom: Depth Over Frequency

Ikigai — our compass for meaningful living — reminds us:

"Do less, but do it with presence."

The question isn’t how often you give thanks.
It’s how alive you feel when you do.

Gratitude, when alive, connects us to the moment.
Gratitude, when forced, disconnects us from ourselves.

The Science of Eight

Here’s a fascinating tidbit: In one of Sonja’s studies, participants listed either 2, 4, 8, 16, or 32 blessings.

Guess which number led to the biggest happiness boost?

Eight.

Eight seemed to hit the sweet spot: rich enough to engage, short enough to stay real.
Not too little. Not too much. Just enough to savor.

3 Ikigai Hacks: Gratitude Edition

1. The Sunday 8 Ritual
   Pick one day a week (Sunday works beautifully) to list 8 things you’re grateful for. Not 5. Not 10. Eight.
   Give each one a moment to breathe. See it. Feel it. Let it settle.

2. Anchor It in Senses
   Instead of just writing, engage your senses.
   Light a candle, put on instrumental music, sip tea. Ritualize the moment so gratitude becomes sacred, not scheduled.

3. Shift the Frame
   Tired of writing the same “family, health, job”? Shift your lens:

• What made you laugh this week?

• What challenge taught you something?

• What moment reminded you you’re alive?

Gratitude thrives on freshness and specificity.

Thumbnail Photo of Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

3 Readings to Deepen the Practice

“The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky
A research-based blueprint for lasting well-being. Start with Chapter 4 on gratitude — it’s foundational.

“Gratitude Works!” by Robert Emmons
One of the leading gratitude researchers explores how less frequent but deeper gratitude leads to more lasting happiness.

“Braiding Sweetgrass” by Robin Wall Kimmerer
A poetic, indigenous perspective on gratitude and reciprocity with the Earth. A reminder that thanks can be a way of life — not just a practice.

Reflection in Verse

I used to count my blessings
like coins in a jar,
stacking them neatly,
hoping for more.

But now I sit softly,
with only a few—
letting each one echo
all the way through.

Gratitude, it turns out,
is not about plenty.
It’s about presence—
even if it’s only twenty.

Or eight.

This Week’s Prompt:

What small, specific moment from this week deserves a deeper thank you?

Let it come to you slowly. Let it surprise you.

Until next time —
Miriam
Researcher, Coach & Founder of Ikigami

P.S. If you try the “Sunday 8” this weekend, I’d love to hear how it shifts your energy. Sometimes the smallest tweaks lead to the biggest openings.